NEW TRANSLATIONS
LITERATURE,
HISTORY, & PHILOSOPHY
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LA NOUVELLE MESSALINE | THE New Messalina
Author’s Note to the Reader:
I cannot be reproached for having
infected my play with dirty and equivocal words. To the best of my ability, I have written in
a clear style, and I can assure the reader that, as limited as his abilities
might be, he will find nothing here beyond the scope of his intelligence.
For
to counterfeit the tone of the great Boileau,
I
call a prick a prick, a cunt a cunt,
just so.
The singularity of my play forces
me, in spite of my modesty, to say that it is an exemplar of its genre, that I
find it so because I wrote it that way, and that those whose taste is so bad
that they refuse to applaud it can throw it into the fire. I don’t give a shit about them. Adieu.
Cast:
Couillanus (Testicle-Ass), King of Foutange (Fuckland)
Messalina, daughter of Couillanus
Vitus (Dick-us)
Pinez de Villeprune All
princes and lovers of Messalina
Matricius
Nombrilis
Conina, Messalina’s servant
Several Guards
Setting:
The Royal Palace
Scene 1
CONINA
Yes, Madame, this report is
faithful and sincere:
Your father has been seen on an
island near here.
Having for six long years been away
from these parts
He’s returning to his home to
kiss his dear hearts.
But what unpleasant thoughts occupy
your fair mind?
You’re wandering around the
palace as if you were blind.
You aren’t listening at all;
your face is so sad.
Chin up! Melancholy on a girl your
age looks bad!
What on earth is wrong? Why are you sighing so?
MESSALINA
Yes, I am upset, if you really must
know.
You know of Sir Vitus,
the hero of the war?
This man I once
desired—I’ve found out he’s a boor!
CONINA
How has he displeased you? What are you talking about?
MESSALINA
I refuse to see him again, the
stupid lout!
You must remember that from the
first time I saw him
I wanted to hold him, to kiss him,
to paw him.
He came upon me asleep in my bed
one day,
Slid his hand under my skirt in an amorous
way,
And pulled his enormous manhood out
of his pants…
He put it inside me and my soul
began to dance!
Such pleasure! Such friction! Such
force! O gods! What joy!
I knew how Pyrrhus felt when he saw
the flames of Troy!
Never wanting to let him escape
from my embrace
I saw him get hard, fuck, and
ejaculate
Yesterday Vitus
satisfied me for hours.
Today he was more like a bunch of
wilted flowers.
I thought his prick’s sole
purpose was to penetrate;
Approaching me today, all it did
was deflate.
Now, Conina,
you know why I’m so offended.
This insulting failure can never be
mended.
CONINA
Yes, Madame, you are right to be
upset;
With a man like that, your needs
will never be met.
But really, even if it is bloody
and cruel,
You must not feel badly. Take care of your jewel;
It’s so pretty and
sweet. Do not let it dry up
Because of the shame of not keeping
one guy up.
You deserve a reward. Why not go and indulge…
MESSALINA
Yes, it’s time to find a man
with a bigger bulge.
Too long have I nourished my
weakness and pain;
From now on bodily fluids will flow
like rain.
I will sail away on a river of
semen,
And fill each waking moment with
lusty he-men.
But someone is coming; O god, who can it be?
CONINA
We were speaking of Vitus, Madame. It is
he.
MESSALINA
Conina, please inform him that in my
present state
I must refuse to see him. He’s made me irate.
Scene 2: Vitus, Conina
VITUS
She detests me, she flees! Oh,
capricious princess
Is this a fair reward for all my
tenderness?
Tell me, Conina,
why is she running away?
CONINA
Because of you, sir, and your
impotence today.
Do not come here and crow about
your tender love
If you can’t offer hard proof
when push comes to shove.
VITUS
How can she be upset? I truly did my best.
After nine attempts my prick just
needed a rest
CONINA
Perhaps were you a woman you would
feel the same;
A man’s lack of desire would
surely cause you shame.
Why not take vengeance, sir? Seek elsewhere for pleasure.
She’s looking for a prick of
a different measure;
You should find another cunt, rejecting hers duly.
May I suggest the one belonging to
yours truly?
A warrior like yourself
is used to nobler arms,
But my body is not without its own
unique charms.
And whether you find my jewel to be
large or small,
The change from hers will surely
make your prick stand tall.
VITUS
I’d follow your advice, if it
weren’t so base
And you weren’t so beneath
me. Don’t you know your place?
I forgive your audacious and
forward request.
Though I could take revenge, it is
my sole behest
That you leave me alone.
Since you want me so much,
The best punishment is to deprive
you of my touch.
Go!
CONINA
Contemptuous fool! You will learn
in good time
How my passion will bring you to
pleasures sublime.
Scene 3: Vitus alone.
VITUS
Treacherous Eros, now I see your
full power
Before the strength of Love, all
humans must cower.
Until today, Messalina was nothing
more
Than a vessel to satisfy my
lust—a whore.
Every day she seems more like an
angel above,
The more I see her cunt, the more I’m filled with love.
Conina offered herself in
Messalina’s place,
But she just annoys me. Now she’s out of my face.
I love Messalina, and I will
endeavor
To assuage her anger by filling her
forever.
Scene 4: Vitus, Guard.
GUARD
Messalina, my lord, in her profound
distress,
Has ordered that the palace be
emptied of guests.
She’s coming now.
VITUS
All right. I will
leave her in peace,
In hopes that my absence will make
her sorrows cease.
Scene 5: Messaline,
Pinez, Matricius, Nombrilis
MESSALINA
Come, exquisite heroes, take your
places all three;
Your merits are great, but which is
worthy of me?
Fortune shall decide which of your
three hard cocks
Will be given the chance to knock
off my socks.
What am I saying? Leaving this up to fate
Is a dreadful idea that we all
should hate.
No, we must trust empirical
evidence.
The one of you who shows more vigor
than the rest
Earns the right to my bed, by
fucking me the best
Go, brave warriors, take out your pricks, now!
Prepare them to fuck me as your
strength will allow.
Get to work. Show me how you’re so strong and clever
That the lusty battle will continue
forever.
Will you all submit to this amorous
commune?
Your turn to respond first, Pinez de Villeprune.
PINEZ
I obey. I know the merits of my prick:
It may be the smallest of the
three, but it’s slick.
Size doesn’t matter
when…
MATRICIUS
Shut up, you sucker.
Until we know who will be the first
to fuck her
MESSALINA
The first to get a hardon.
All
Three Men
But we’re all hard already.
MESSALINA
Well, gentlemen, please do keep
them steady.
Let me come up with another plan,
my dears.
Matricius, pull out a few of my pubic hairs.
MATRICIUS
I’ve got some.
MESSALINA
And you, Pinez?
PINEZ
Me, too.
MESSALINA
That’s
good news.
Your turn, Nombrilis.
Don’t worry, don’t refuse.
My Phoenix-like hairs grow back
quickly from their ashes.
Let’s count now. How many did you get, Matricius?
MATRICIUS
Nineteen.
MESSALINA
And you, Pinez?
PINEZ
I
have four more than that.
MESSALINA
And you, quiet Nombrilis?
It’s your turn to chat.
How many?
NOMBRILIS
Seventeen. As you can see, good sirs
Though my mouth remains closed, my
cock stirs and stirs.
MESSALINA
Less talk and more action! Nombrilis, fuck me first.
Then Matricius,
then Pinez. I’m about to
burst!
Come to me, sacrifice to Priapus, my god.
Come, Nombrilis,
lie with me, give me your hard rod.
Let’s lie down on this
bed…I’m already so wet.
Are you discharging yet?
NOMBRILIS
Hang
on, I can’t get…
MESSALINA
What? Your cock is melting? The coward retreats?
I thought you had at least the
strength of Hercules
Out, impotent one, no more
comparisons lofty!
The devil take you and break your
neck, you softie.
Come, Matricius,
take his place, I’m sure you’ll suffice.
When I am all on fire, why are you
cold as ice?
Where is your cock?
MATRICIUS
It’s right here.
MESSALINA
Dear
gods, what a fall,
From Charybdis
to Scylla! This won’t do at all.
(To Pinez)
And what’s wrong with you
now? Should I show you the door?
PINEZ
Madame, I was hard, but now
I’m not anymore.
MESSALINA
So many refusals! I can’t take it today.
Limp-dicks be
gone, out of my sight, go away!
You can’t get it up even
seeing me nude?
Out, out, I say! My just revenge could start a feud.
Scene 6:
Messalina, alone.
MESSALINA
O fury! O despair!
O treacherous Venus!
What do I have to do to find a hard
penis?
Haven’t I burned enough
incense at your altar
To avoid this problem?
Why should all these men falter?
Venus, can you look on at these
four failing men
Without crying vengeance on behalf
of women?
Men’s impotence insults the
women of this nation.
How can I have been reduced to
masturbation?
Vengeance! Vengeance!
Take up bolts of lightning
Pulverize their cocks! Show them you can be frightening.
O earth, open up around their weak
footsteps
Goddesses of hell, invent new
torments
Dig deep, at every instant, many
abysses
So that they can learn how
we’ll punish their misses!
Reverse the order of what they have
in store,
Force them after death to fuck only
whores
Whose disease-ridden cunts, from their horrible depths
Will transfer to those cocks ugly
sores and distress.
Cover their bodies with boils,
disgusting and mean!
Change the color of their semen to
yellow and green!
And let a burning chancre,
tormenting each soul
Teach them that pleasing women is
more than a goal.
Scene 7:
Messalina, A Guard.
GUARD
Your father has arrived, Madame,
the people cheer him.
Please hide the pain in your eyes
while you are near him.
Scene 8:
The King, Messalina.
KING
My daughter, it is sweet after six
years of absence
Today to enjoy the pleasure of your
presence,
To taste of your delight…
MESSALINA
Couillanus, stop, please!
Your words cannot return me to a
life of ease.
You’ve been offended;
outrageous fortune hasn’t
Been kind to Messalina while you
were absent.
Because I am unworthy to approach
your grace
I must go hide myself from the
whole human race.
KING
What a strange welcome she makes to
her father!
This sudden departure covers up
some bother.
Let’s ask Conina,
who is coming to greet us.
To whom is this letter addressed?
Scene 9:
King, Conina
CONINA
It’s for Vitus.
KING
Can you tell me why your mistress
flees from my sight?
Her eyes and her face are on fire
in this flight.
How has she been occupying her
time?
CONINA
She
fucks.
KING
Nothing wrong with that.
Fucking is pleasant enough.
But how can she give all her
thought and care to it?
If she doesn’t spend less
time trying to do it,
She’ll never find a glorious
place in history.
CONINA
My Lord, there are many paths to
glory;
The Princess wants to make a
glorious name
By making sex a virtue; the gods do
the same.
Yes, the divine ones know of no
greater pleasure
And humans can also partake of this
treasure.
Who can blame her for wanting to
follow their lead?
Even if you wanted, you
couldn’t do the deed.
Figure it out, your highness, the
glory of sex
Is the only way our lives can have
lasting effects.
KING
I submit to your logic; such
cunning discourse
Calls my prick to action.
I’m hard as a horse.
I must go right away to find my
mistress.
CONINA
Don’t let your old age leave
a damsel in distress.
Scene 10: Conina, alone.
CONINA
Deign, Love, to protect my amorous
design
Bring Vitus
into my trap, make him finally mine.
Here he comes..Oh, God, don’t let me miss the boat!
Scene 11: Conina, Vitus
CONINA
Sir, I have been charged with
delivering this note;
Here it is.
VITUS
Let’s
read.
CONINA
God
of Love, work your magic.
If he sees through my trick, the
result could be tragic.
VITUS
“Adorable Vitus,
if your heart still loves me
Come and give me the proof of your
tender torment;
I will come and join you in this
apartment
To swear a thousand times that my
soul adores thee.
My
father is back here:
For fear that he will walk right in
and surprise us,
Lock
the door, my dear,
So that no one can see, or hear, or
surmise us.”
O inimitable goodness! My darling dear!
What! Your cunt
still would like for my cock to be near!
And you, my cock, and you…
CONINA
Ooh,
la, la, that is nice.
I’d kill to have that cock
inside me, even just twice.
VITUS
Why are you interrupting me? Stay over there.
Good help is so hard to find these
days, I swear.
And you, my cock, and you, happiest
of cocks
Please make a strong effort. Don’t leave me on the rocks.
Since Messalina has never been satisified
By even your best efforts, redouble
your pride.
We’ll exhaust her. We’ll give her everything we’ve
got.
Then she’ll acknowledge me as
master of her twat.
Go tell her your mistress that I
anxiously await
Her arrival,
and that of her cunt.
It’s a date.
Scene 12: Vitus, alone
VITUS
Conina ogled you, and you got excited.
True, if I had fucked her she would
have been delighted.
But who cares? Once I have fucked my dear Messalina
I can amuse myself with her servant
Conina .
Would such an encounter my honor offend?
No, my goal is to get hard and to
fuck…the end!
How many men, more than you could
count, I expect,
Fuck the mistress, then the
servant, with no disrespect?
But my darling approaches, I hear
her alight.
She’s closing the curtains,
getting ready for the night.
Should I believe my heart? Is it you, my princess?
Scene 13: Vitus and Conina.
CONINA